Our Last Days As Children

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She'd always hovered on the far periphery during the classes spent in Abarai Loki's saber lessons. She hung back always, never volunteering as other padawans did. She always did her best to be as invisible as possible. It wasn't necessarily because she didn't want to spar, but more because she simply didn't wish to place herself in front of others. Was she afraid of rejection? No... she'd already become well acquainted with the feeling since coming here. Though, things had begun to change. Slowly, but they were changing.

She'd been given so much to consider and think on, and the looming 'decision' that she had to make swung over her, coming closer with every pass. It was constant, and she knew that a choice would have to be made. It didn't make her any less frustrated over the notion though. She wasn't old enough to even begin thinking about resolution. To begin thinking of the rest of her life.


Perhaps that was what brought her to the sparring ring now?

It was not the normal time for sparring lessons, and so the area was mostly empty. A few padawans milled about, but they mostly talked among themselves and what they would've done if it'd been them in the ring. It seemed like so much standard fare, and the young Lupine ignored it all.

She was really only here for one person, anyway.

Though, she couldn't help a slight flushing that caused her ears to redden. Even as she didn't see him yet, the girl wasn't so sure he had ever truly forgiven her.

Which was why she'd come with at least a small bit of insurance.

Grasped in one hand, she held a small bag. Inside had been tucked a plastic container of thick shaak and tuber stew, a wrapped slice of garlic toast, and a small cup of freshly picked periberries. It was one of the better meals that the mess hall had put out, to be honest. It was simple and filling, and gave her at least something to try and mend fences with.

She stood at the edge of the main sparring ring, suddenly unsure of where to go next. She bit her lip, and let out a long, low breath.

[Abarai Loki]

When the first sparring ring was made, an inch-deep trench in the dirt, it stood in the long shadow of the Whaladon. As the outpost expanded in size and numbers, the all-important sparring ring was relocated away from the shade, where it multiplied. Now the padawans dueled on hot white hobs of sun-baked duracrete and, for the first time in his tenure of lightsaber instruction, he had been forced to terminate his lesson on account of a Trandoshan with cooked feet. A sheen of freshly-wiped sweat coated the back of his hand; having grown up on Maridun, he wasn't normally bothered by the heat, but as the afternoon marched towards the evening, the sun remained stubborn and high. A gentle breeze provided a fleeting reprieve but on it was carried something far more interesting.

It was as he packed away the last of the training sabers that he noticed it, a smell with the power to chase away his disappointment. He turned, and his heart sank to see Teagan s'Ilancy where he had hoped to find a kindly service droid from the canteen. In what world would that ever happen? Suddenly aware of his own stabbing hunger, it was with some reluctance that he approached his one-time tormentor, who looked quite out-of-place standing ringside like that.

"Teagan s'Ilancy, the lesson is over. If you wish to fight, be punctual."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She idly kicked at a small pebble, looking down to the ground as he walked toward her. His usage of her full name sounded strange, but it was also something that she was becoming used to. The older she'd gotten, the fewer instances that the pet name her mother had given her was spoken. The young Lupine frowned, then looked back up to Loki.

"I didn't come here to fight."

She rarely ever did anyway; the notion of it made her uneasy.

"I just... "

Gods but he looked just like an impatient storm rolling in, closing the distance between them. She didn't step back though, and held her ground firmly.

"I wanted to talk to you."

It sounded out of place and bizarre, considering that the times he did speak he never really afforded anyone a chance to respond. At least, her rare interactions with him made it seem as such. Even during the... incident... aboard the Whaladon, he'd seemed so prickly.

Forging ahead though, the girl was loathe to retreat. She'd come this far, after all. She hefted the bag up, holding it out between them as a peace offering.

"I brought you lunch."

[Abarai Loki]

A "What?" was taking shape on his tongue, but he held it in. The distance closed between them with a tentative step. He was watching her carefully; the expression on Teagan's face was solemn, fearful, perhaps, and possibly sad. Emotions were difficult and, in this case, deceiving - he remembered only too well the extent of Teagan's acting talents. Whatever mask she wore, it melted into something resembling sincerity, if only for a moment. Had he hesitated? Had she seen?

The bag was promptly taken. It smelled incredible. First, a cautionary glance to validate its contents - he also remembered the glitter bombs: easy to wash from the skin, difficult to cleanse from the soul - and then, at last, he relaxed.

"Thank- thank you, padawan." He braved a longer look inside the bag and found himself fighting off a powerful desire to faceplant into the first edible thing, but instead, he surfaced, his face creased with confusion, "Why?"

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She'd seen the hesitation, and knew without a shred of a doubt why. Didn't make things any easier, that was for sure. But, it did give her a hesitation of her own. He was watching her like a hawk, looking for some sort of ruse. Surely he wasn't concerned that she'd steal his lightsaber again... ? The absurdity of it all made her almost smile. Both cautious of one another, but for two entirely different reasons. It was very nearly a laughable situation... except that Teagan was certain that Abarai Loki didn't even know how to laugh. It wouldn't surprise her at all if he didn't.

As he took the bag, inspecting its' contents, she had to bite her tongue before blurting out a reassurance that no, she'd not booby-trapped the food. She did however wince at being called 'padawan'. It just didn't sit well, and her ears ticked back in a minute sign of mild aggravation.

And then the 'why' came. She wasn't really surprised. She'd made it a point to not be around him, even going so far as to outright avoid him at most opportunities.

When his cyan eyes tilted back up to meet her own, she made a helpless face, punctuated by a shrug.

"Well, I figured... I mean... "

Best to start somewhere she supposed, and Teagan let out a pent-up sigh as she stuffed her hands into the front pockets of her grey trousers.

"I owe you an apology."

[Abarai Loki]

The words sent an electric charge from his ears to the balls of his feet, paralysing him to the spot. It was a feeling that had, en route, upended his stomach and knotted his intestines, making it for the best that he hadn't yet actually eaten. The dread took shape in his mind's eye: a lost training saber, a broken droid, a crashed ship, a nexu in the dorms, and a forest on fire - the possibilities were limitless where Tak was involved.

He stiffened, and fixed her with a steely gaze, "What have you done?"

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She blinked in surprise at the question that sounded more like an accusation. Her features knitted even though she supposed that she shouldn't been shocked.

"Well, um,"

Teagan cast a hinting look to his belt, where his saber was clipped. There were still times that she could taste the sharp metallic tang. She gestured to it.

"You know, that."

The floodgates seemed to open then as she kept going.

"And taping it in the concussion missile tube with the thumbtacks and zip-needles and stinkbomb, and the glitter, and the name-calling, and... and... "

She was pretty sure there was more, but she seemed to stall out.

Still he stared at her, and finally Teagan lifted both hands out into to the air between them, making unintelligible signs with her fingers while repeating her apology - this time enunciating each syllable and going slower so she could be sure that he'd understand.

"I'm. Sorry."

[Abarai Loki]

"Ah." He understood, and it sounded like someone had just stepped on his foot. "Yes. Well. That was a long time ago. I had quite forgotten. Barely worth mentioning."

If his thoughts could've vocalised themselves, they would have sounded like the desperate screeching of brakes prior to an ugly collision. Of all his shameful memories, the one he would most like to forget was the indignity of losing his lightsaber to a couple of relentless demon children and the sordid depths to which he had to stoop in order to retrieve it. When Teagan recounted the details, including things he had willfully erased from his memory, it was a bit like reliving the shame of it all over again. Perhaps it was a new and more sophisticated form of torture she had devised.

He cleared his throat, and said, "Very well, then. Apology accepted."

And, to his horror, he saw himself extending his hand. He didn't shake hands! What was he doing!?

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

As if on instinct she reached out to accept his offered hand. It really was something that - despite her upbringing - happened without thought. There was no premeditation involved, and as surprised as Loki's own face was, her features mirrored his almost exactly. How was it that this gesture was so universal as to be understood by everyone?!

And with that notion, the young Lupine realized with a sudden jolt that this was the first time she'd done such a thing. Oh, she'd held hands before; her mother's, Zem's, Wyl's... but a handshake? This was completely new territory, and she grasped Abarai Loki's hand with a strange grip. It felt... weird.

To say the least, his hands were... soft...

Dama's hands had always seemed rough and calloused, and Zem's even more so. But Loki's hands... his palm and finger pads seemed so smooth, and Teagan found herself enraptured. She clutched his hand in an unrelenting grip, her eyes fixed to their joined grasp, and slowly she looked up, crystal blue meeting brilliant cyan.

The tone in her voice reflected her surprise.

"You hands are so soft... "

[Abarai Loki]

Loki recoiled, scandalised. Soft was not a word with which he wanted any association; it was a diseased word, and probably contageous. He inspected his hand with impatience before skewering Teagan with a scolding look.

"These are the hands of a warrior who understands the importance of a good moisturiser."

It was at that moment he realised there was nothing of value to be gained from the conversation. Instead, he followed his stomach and indulged in a second glance at Teagan's peace offering. Before he tucked in, however, he spared her a thought.

"Have you eaten?"

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She stared at him, wide eyed, as he pulled away to give his hand a once-over. It wasn't the reaction she was expecting, that was for sure. Was what she'd said so bad? She'd not thought that it was, but with him, the young Lupine was never quite sure. Her brow knit and she gave a slight wince as he spoke of... moisturizer?? What in the galaxy was that?! Suddenly self-conscious, Teagan looked down at her own palms, her mind racing.

But, his next words did well enough to pull her from her confusion.

"Oh, yeah. I've already eaten."

She braved an appreciative smile.

"But thank you," a gesture was given to the bag, "... it's all yours."

Again her hands went into her pockets. Best to get on with things.

"I wanted to ask you about, well, about being a Jedi."

[Abarai Loki]

Beside the empty sparring ring, Loki lowered himself onto his knees and disgorged the bag of its contents. The cup of berries was set aside in favour of the stew, and the garlic toast was unwrapped like a Life Day present; he tore off a corner and used it to slop up the thick steaming stew. Teagan had almost been forgotten, and it wasn't until he noticed a pointed suffing of feet between mouthfuls that he regarded her again. Gone was the discomfort of their previous exchange; in its place was a warmth in his belly that had earned the little Lupine a veritable fortune in patience.

"You want to know about the Jedi way?" he said, sizing up his next bite, "This is a day of firsts."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

His enthusiasm for the food she'd brought was not lost on her. There'd been many days that the desire for something to eat overshadowed any other thoughts and outside distractions, and Teagan simply moved to sit beside him. It was strange to see him like this; actually enjoying something outside of yelling at padawans and just generally being disagreeable. It was good to know that he had another channel to tune to; even if it was an often unused one. Also good to know, was that food seemed to be a way to tone him down, even if it was just a small bit.

"Well, not so much the 'way', exactly."

She bit her lip, leaning back a small bit as her arms went behind her at an angle to keep her propped upright.

"I mean, how old were you when you decided you wanted to do... " she shifted her weight to allow one arm to come around and out, gesturing at the expanse before them.

"... all of this?"

[Abarai Loki]

Surfacing from his feast-for-one, Loki followed Teagan's hand, and studied their surroundings with a furrowed brow. It dawned him that she was referring not to Ossus specifically, but the people who inhabited it. Indeed, Ossus had never been on his agenda, much like the ragtag Wheel before it - both just sort of happened. Much like the free meal before him. It was the stew that held his attention while he contemplated the question, and contemplated the fact that, the longer he took to answer, the longer he had to wait to eat. His stomach would be better served if he were forthcoming in his responses, he decided.

"A curious question," he began, indulging in a cheeky periberry, "The decision was not mine to make. It was a duty assigned to me by my master."

Then he remembered her previous remark about being a Jedi, and he looked at her with fresh curiosity, "You are ready to make this duty your own?"

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

"Gods no," came out before she had the presence of mind to stop herself.

"I mean-" and now on to once more salvaging her intent. "I just think- "

She watched as he chewed the periberry, the way his jaw moved to crush the small fruit between his teeth. She didn't exactly wince, but she certainly made a worried face as her imagination ran wild with visions of herself as the berry, being mashed up, chewed into a pulp, and then spit out to land in a saliva-drenched gooey puddle on the dusty ground. All courtesy of Abarai Loki. For as little as she'd thought of him all those years back, he now very much intimidated her.

She looked away.

"It's just that it's a big decision. I'm too young to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life."

And before he could say anything, she went on, again her mouth moving faster than her brain. Though this time, she looked at him with a sideways look, addressing his admission of the decision made for him.

"It doesn't seem fair, such a big choice being made for you, and you're not allowed to have a say in it."

[Abarai Loki]

"Fairness," Loki scoffed, "A selfish conceit."

It was an attitude he encountered often amongst padawans, and younglings, and even some of the knights: a rampant individualism that was at odds with a Jedi's oath to serve and protect. People like Halajiin Rabeak, whose egos were fattened by an exaggerated sense of self-worth, who failed to recognise the simple fact that the needs of the many outstripped the needs of the few. Loki's recruitment into the Jedi ranks, such as it was, had been an act of defiance in the face of annihilation, and every day he drew breath stood as a testament to that defiance. However, Teagan's remark gave him pause for thought, for it marked the first time in his life he considered what might have been, had he been given a choice. As he turned over the staggering ramifications of a few simple words, his face hardened.

"When I was born, the Jedi were an endangered species. It fell to my master to pass on his knowledge; to preserve the Jedi legacy for a new generation. He made the choice for me."

He gave a firm nod, "It was the right choice."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

Teagan fixed him with a pointed look then, lips pursed in a look that conveyed every ounce of the scoffing tone he himself had previously taken.

"Whether it was right or not, you'll never really know."

Looking away then, she leaned forward slightly, a finger going out to draw designs in the sand between her legs.

"'Sides. No one can make the right choice for you," her fingertip drew a halfmoon, then lazily continued on to create a swirl.

"Only you can."

[Abarai Loki]

"Do not presume to know my mind, Teagan s'Ilancy."

Bothered by her idle speculation, Loki tore off another piece of garlic toast and stabbed at his stew with it. She spoke of his becoming a Jedi as some sort of lost opportunity. What nonsense. He grunted at the absurdity of it, even as he chewed. And then, once that homely warmth hit his stomach again, his enthusiasm for debate renewed.

"Being a Jedi means the pursuit of pefection in both body and mind. It means being the best." He turned to her in earnest, "What self-respecting person wouldn't want to be the best they can be?"

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

Teagan scowled at his rebuke, but it was an expression sent to the dirt and the designs that she was drawing. She'd half expected him to gather up his meal and tromp off, but to her surprise Loki stayed where he was. Even more so, he spoke up once again. And when he looked at her, the girl couldn't help looking back, their eyes locking. At first she thought that he'd been intent on intimidating her, but looking deeper it became obvious that he was in fact heartfelt in his question.

"Well, I dunno."

Her eyes went back to the swirls and patterns in the sand.

"I think any person would want to the the best they can be, and that it's not just something that only Jedi can be. I mean, a pilot is always trying to be the best pilot they can be, and an artist is always trying to be true to themselves and make the best art that touches people."

She swiped the palm of her hand over her work, wiping it away to a flat surface.

"Even that sandwich guy, his sandwiches are so good, because he's... well, he's kind of crazy I think, but he's always trying to be the best sandwich maker in the galaxy."

[Abarai Loki]

"I am going to pretend for a moment that you have not just drawn a comparison between a Jedi Knight and the sandwich guy."

He returned to his food to give the dust a moment to settle following Teagan's torrent of nonsense. It was a line of reasoning that warranted not a second thought. Sometimes he wondered if people just said these things to upset him. The sandwich guy, indeed. No, he thought as he ate, he would not rise to it. Nothing of any value could be gained from such an exchange. It seemed that Teagan s'Ilancy was determined to spend the rest of her days being wholly unremarkable; she was an anomaly, a lost cause. All that was left was for them to part ways on amicable terms and be done with it.

When his words came, they came in a flurry of disbelief:

"Are you seriously trying to imply there is as much worth in dedicating your life to the service of justice and peace as there is in the pursuit of the perfect sandwich?"