Although I See A Darkness

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

It'd been a week. Seven long days that would no doubt stretch on for a lot longer. A week since her mother had had to leave. To go back into space and do whatever it was that she did up there.

A week of classes and routine, of homework and studying. Sparring and boredom, exercise and rest. She applied herself when the fancy struck, but most days had become just like the ones before: dull, and spent alone with her thoughts. She wasn't sullen, but it was easy to see by all that her mind was very much not in the here and now. Even Draiya had left her alone for the time being. No; her thoughts were not here, on Ossus. They weren't with the teachers who were constantly talking, and they weren't with anyone else who tried to speak to her. She would give a nod, and be done with it all. That was that. She simply accepted what was said, and spoke nothing else of it. She ate her meals in silence, often taking them outside and sitting alone.

So much occupied her thoughts that she almost felt as though she was unable to take it. Unable to understand anything anymore.


Maybe that was why, a week after her mother had gone, Teagan found herself at the door of Master Vymes' tent. He wasn't there, but she knew that he would be returning shortly enough. The lunch hours were almost over, and she had a healthy enough notion that he'd be coming back here after his meal. A resolute expression settled across her young features as she reached out, pulling the flap open just enough to allow her to slip through.

Inside, the young Lupine marveled at the almost unnatural quiet that seemed to permeate the tent, and wasting no time, she moved to one of the chairs that rested beside the small table. She sat, drawing her feet up and wrapping her arms around her legs so that her chin rested on her knees. Nothing was ever fair, lately. But Dama had asked her to be strong, and to be patient. It was a tall order, all things considered, but the girl had promised that she would. There were still things that she had questions about, and answers that she wished to have. And right now, there was only one person on this entire planet who could give them to her.

Her eyes closed, and Teagan let out a long breath as she waited.

It wouldn't be long now.

[Zem Vymes]

She didn't have to wait long, as Zem Vymes was a creature of habit. Toting his lunch pail that he'd stocked at the mess hall, the Jedi Master entered the tent as the flaps parted in front of him. If he was surprised to see Teagan sitting in the chair opposite his, he didn't show it. Instead, he casually walked to the table, set his lunch pail to the side, and sat on the corner of the table adjacent to the youngster, foregoing his own chair. That level of casual interaction wasn't given to many people here. Teagan was probably the only one that saw that side of the old Jedi.

"Need to talk, kiddo?"

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She'd heard him come in, heard the lunch pail being set on the table, and finally opened her eyes when he spoke. Looking up, Teagan blinked before giving a nod as if suddenly remembering it was polite to offer some sort of answer to questions asked. She inhaled a long breath, letting it out slowly while unfurling one leg, letting it dangle.

First things first, of course. So much had been left unsaid in that last day; those last few hours. She'd been so distraught at having to watch her mother leave that she'd not even thought to ask the most obvious of questions.

"When is my mom coming back?"

[Zem Vymes]

"Soon."

It was the only answer he had. The only thing he knew in his bones and hoped for all at once. And even as he said it, he knew it wasn't enough. Not enough by half. She deserved more of an answer, and so did he.

"Your mama's got some things to sort out. A whole lot of things. I guarantee you kiddo, if she thought she had that done you'd be the first one to know it. She misses you a whole lot."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

Teagan listened with an expression that wasn't quite sullen, but it wasn't quite expectant and jovial, either. It just was. Her eyes remained locked on Master Vymes' own, unsure if she should accept that answer. 'Soon' could be so many things in the confusing and roundabout way that adults spoke, and briefly she contemplated digging deeper for an answer that she felt satisfactory. But, in her heart she knew that what he said was the truth of it all, and that he seemed to want her mom to come back just as much as she did. She was willing to bet that if Markos was old enough to understand, he'd be of the same mind as well.

Eventually, another nod as Teagan accepted his answer. There was more, as there always was. There was curiosity and the desire to know. Things that had been said to her before. Things that seemed like such a mystery. Things that she'd been told had happened, but not how, or why. The details were left out; they always were. Told she was too young, told that she wasn't ready to hear everything. Told that she'd have bad dreams. Bad dreams. As though they didn't plague her now. She was beyond the worry of nightmares, and beyond being too young.

"You said something before," she started finally. Her words were slow, but held weight even so. The weight of one who needed to know things. Still her eyes were on his.

"About coming back... you coming back."

Was it a long shot? Perhaps. She almost expected to be told that still, she was too young to hear such things. But, she was resolute. She was - in her estimation - old enough. In fact, she firmly believed that she was owed everything that was said to be saved for later. She deserved it. The truth was her due, and she was determined to not be turned away this time.

[Zem Vymes]

A long time passed before Zem spoke. He knew by the look in her eyes that she needed more. She wasn't a little girl anymore. There was a lot of growing up she'd been forced to do a little too early. Lessons she'd had to learn straight no chaser. That kind of life could make you hard if you let the weight of it bring you down. Before Zem spoke, he had to be resolute in what he would say. He wasn't going to allow mistakes he'd seen to come to pass again.

At last, his slightly parched lips parted.

"Yes, I did."

She was old enough to know. If she didn't, and if she lived a 'safer', more blinkered youth, she might very well face all of his regrets.

"During the dark times, I could count on two things and two things only. Your dama, and the will of the force."

The old Jedi seemed to look past the young Lupine. Eyes that had seen a lot of years began to look inwards into the depths of memory.

"There wasn't enough hope to hang on anything beyond that."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

Her brow seemed to knit in memory, though it wasn't so much the act of remembering as it was the reliving of the sights, the sounds, and the scents of a small outlying planet that barely held on to the notion of civilization.

"I remember a lot... "

She could still see the gallows in her mind's eye, and finally she looked away, deep in thought.

"... like back on Layla; I asked you why you left, and you said you needed time alone. I remember what my mom wrote about you on that little piece of paper, and I remember she cried that night after we found you. She'll probably say she didn't, but I heard her. Clear as I can hear you right now in this tent."

A pause, and Teagan went on.

"But even before all of that, she told me a lot of things about you," she blinked, her gaze lingering on the table's rough-hewn surface. "... about how you met, about how she didn't like you at first, and how you were her teacher."

Her eyes once more went up to meet Master Vymes'.

"But she didn't tell me everything."

[Zem Vymes]

"To tell you the truth..."

Zem's eyes gravitated to the floor as he tried to return to a place he didn't like to tread.

"...sometimes I can't remember the sequence. I remember things that happened. Faces. People. A planet we'd land on, and leave the same day. It was so much..."

The crows feet at his eyes tightened, as did his jaw.

"...pain. Suffering. Everywhere we went was just running to or away from someone else's tragedy. I felt so useless by myself. So useless."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She watched him, his face suddenly very different from the one she'd grown accustomed to seeing during her time here on Ossus. Now he seemed so much older; not haggard, but to her there seemed to suddenly be more lines etched onto his features than there'd been only minutes before. For a brief moment she began to reconsider her request, a strange sense of worry over the Jedi Master making her think twice.

No. She had to know. She couldn't stop him now.

"Tell me what happened," her voice came out in a whisper as she leaned forward ever so slightly, her tone almost desperate.

"Please, I have to know... "

[Zem Vymes]

"It started with a man I knew named Tam Jeneel."

He could still see his face. That was clear as if he was standing before the both of them. Those bright optimistic eyes. That reassuring smile.

"Another Jedi, from the old days. When me and your dama were on the run and at the end of our rope, our paths crossed. Even something as little as seeing another familiar friendly face, it made you feel like you could carry on."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

It was a name that she couldn't recall her mom mentioning, and Teagan leaned back enough so that her leg shifted, moving to curl up beneath her.

"She never told me about him."

Which was strange, since there had been so many stories, and yet there were still things that hadn't been told to her. Was this another instance of her being too young?

"What happened to him?"

[Zem Vymes]

And once again in his mind's eye, he returned to that terrible day on Rumigaar. He saw the look on Tam's blood-smeared face. The eyes had changed. Gone wrong.

"We were found out, just as we were gathering other Jedi survivors. I don't know how, but in those days the eyes of Palpatine - of Darth Sidious - saw so far. He sent his right hand to deal with us. Darth Vader."

Zem's eyes closed.

"Before we could retreat to our ship, he cut down four Jedi. We couldn't stop him. Tam tried, he..."

Shaking his head, the old Jedi Master's eyes opened.

"The pain of loss and despair was too much. He fell to the dark side. He used revenge to fill the hole inside him with blood, but that hole runs too deep to fill. We got away, but Tam...there wasn't gonna be a way back."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She blinked at that, suddenly confused. Shaking her head, the girl made a perplexed face as recent memories of words spoken by both Master Vymes and her mom came spilling out.

"But... you and Dama said that there is a way back."

[Zem Vymes]

Zem nodded.

"There is. But the way back ain't easy. Ain't easy to see, ain't easy to walk. It's much easier to take the power the Dark Side gives you, and let it lie to you. Convince you that you're bigger than it is, all the while it makes a slave out of you. Tam Jeneel knew exactly what happened to him. He knew in that moment he wasn't coming back. So he made his choice and killed himself."

Reliving the moment stained Zem's expression with nascent grief, and he hung his head.

"That was his last act as a Jedi. And it's stayed with me my whole life."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

And in that moment she realized why she'd never been told stories of Tam Jeneel. Her lips parted slightly at the revelation, and her breath caught in her throat. Her mind tried to work through this new information, and her mouth closed as she briefly sent a glance to the side.

"That's terrible," was all she could think of to say.

She looked down at her hands, her voice full of quiet understanding as she went on.

"No wonder she never told me."

[Zem Vymes]

"We saw so much darkness. Fought against what we could. Ran from the rest. We were both lucky we didn't share Tam's fate. I think in some way that his death was a warning of things to come."

Age-gnarled hands laced together in Zem's lap, and he stared down at them.

"When it came for me, we'd come to a forlorn planet called Boz Pity. They call it a graveyard world. I fought there once in the Clone Wars, but we returned there, oh, twenty-nine years ago. And that's where the levee broke."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

Twenty-nine years.

To her, that was a number that she almost didn't want to try and fathom. Twenty-nine. It made her think though, about just how long her mom had been alive. She'd heard a few stories about the Clone Wars, but not many. Her eyes went from her hands to the lightsaber clipped to his belt, and Teagan remembered clearly the day that she'd snuck into her and Dama's room on the Black Cat, stealing away the box that it'd been kept in.

"Twenty-nine years ago is a long time," she said eventually.

[Zem Vymes]

When Zem's eyes looked up again at Tak, they held a sadness to them.

"When you're older, you'll see just how funny time works. It's yesterday to me, kiddo."

[Zem-El Vymes]

Boz Pity

Twenty-nine years ago

"We can't stay here."

Zem-El's eyes took in the sight grimly as he banked the small Corellian shuttle around for another pass. The curious slapdash settlement on the blasted face of Boz Pity looked miserable. Ramshackle tents hewn together from wrecked war machinery housed a teeming throng of survivors going about the hand-to-mouth business of surviving. It was a nowhere destination. A place between one warzone and another, where people ended up when their luck ran out. Everyone simply waiting for that luck to change.

"We're here for the fuel. Maybe food. That's it. Got it?"

[s'Il]

Eyes shut tightly, s'Il gripped the armrests of her seat. One hand swept up just to make sure her crashwebbing was still in place (of course it was) before returning quickly to grip the thinly padded armrest once more.

"I'm well aware."

A concise answer for an equally concise set of stipulations.

Her good eye peaked open, tracking upward to look at the pitiful sight before them, and just as quickly she shut it again. She made a disgusted face, suddenly wishing that they were back in space. Whatever errand it was that Dan had sent them on, the young Lupine was suddenly not so sure she wanted to see it through to the end. Gods but she could already smell the filth that waited for them.

She grimaced, choosing to voice her displeasure.

"Why couldn't he send us to somewhere else?"

She felt the landing struts extend, that distinct shudder gently rocking the shuttle.

"Even Kamino is better than here."