First Steps down the Long Road

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

Her duties had kept her so busy. So very busy. Wherever the Alliance decided to send her, that was where she went. It was penance and so much more. The rebuilding of a once ironclad trust was something that could very well never happen in any sort of entirety, but she would do herself and the Rebellion of old a disservice if she did not at least try. Even before her fall she had been with them; despite her self-imposed exile, the Lupine had considered the Rebels her family, and now?

They were still family, and they were still home, but there were other commitments and ties that she still felt for the Jedi. Whether they would ever allow her back she couldn't say, but at the very least she could not ignore them. She had placed in their care her children, after all.

Her children.

Those above her station had allowed her now a short amount of time to travel to the Jedi homeworld of Ossuss, and with a healthy amount of trepidation mixed with anticipation, the Lupine had given the order for the Kheravassio to make best speed to Ossuss.

And now? Her personal shuttle dipped low, its' bulk held aloft as repulsorlifts kicked in and landing struts extended.

It was mid-afternoon on Ossuss, and yet it looked as dark as night, thunderheads blotting oiut the sun and dropping a torrential downpour upon the ground. Thunder rattled the air in the distance, following after the beautiful display of lightning that set the sky afire in purple light.


Would any be present to greet her? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Only time would tell.

The thought of seeing her children; of taking up both Teagan and Markos into her arms overrode any other thoughts for the time being, and as the shuttle settled fully on the drenched tarmac, s'Il found herself undoing her crashwebbing as if in a daze. The pilot gave her a nod and a short, two-fingered wave, and standing, the Lupine instinctively brushed at one arm of her uniform tunic, wiping away any possible unseen specks of dust.

"Bit wet out there, Captain."

"Looks that way."

The shuttle pilot moved to undo his own harness, standing quickly as he made his way to the aft portion of the small, sleek shuttle.

"I'll escort you out."

"Thank you, Varin."

As the boarding ramp descended, the spray of windblown raindrops began to dot the once dry metal until it was as wet as the ground outside. Varin followed his superior as she began the short trek downward.

[Zem Vymes]

He'd felt her presence even before the notification of a ship entering orbit reached him. That was the nature of the bond they shared. That connection that conquered all distance and obstacle. As he closed down the comm link in his tent that connected him with the command hub, Zem Vymes sat still at his desk, listening to the water beating against the heavy sealed fabric of the tent above him. It was difficult to avoid being elated, but he knew exactly how much courage it took for Loklorien s'Ilancy to make this difficult first step back. Difficult for her, and difficult for the Jedi. Though it was not in their way to hold grudges, it was perhaps impossible to forget who Loklorien once was, the decisions she made, and the things she did. Terrible things. Acts beyond forgiveness in nearly any other circumstance. Wounds might very well heal, but scar tissue might not be avoidable - even for him. That being said, if he wasn't the one to make that first step, then who?

By the time the shuttle had touched down, he was waiting at the muddy flats outside of the tarmac. His voluminous Jedi robe shrouded his figure, leaving a baggy, soaked brown silhouette set against the artificial glow of the spotlamps above the landing sight. His face obscured by shadow, he needn't draw his hood back for her to know exactly who had been the first to welcome her home.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

Was there any possibility that it would be anyone other than him? She slowed momentarily, allowing a smile to briefly tug at her lips before pausing just before the rain would've touched her boots. She turned to Varin.

"I think I can make it the rest of the way."

It was said with an understanding smile, and at Varin's perplexed look, the Lupine gave a slight flick of her fingers.

"It is only rain. One never was hurt from that."

The pilot nodded reluctantly, and standing at attention, gave his Captain a salute that she returned in equal.

Stepping onto the tarmac alone, Lok s'Ilancy felt the fabric of her uniform soaked through in short time. It did not matter. She moved ahead, features so carefully controlled and calm as she approached the one who had come to meet her. And even if she could not see his face, the Lupine gave a light smile through the deluge that separated them.

[Zem Vymes]

"I'm glad you came."

It was a small thing to say, but her journey was no small matter of travel. It had taken courage and fortitude that, in the wake of the terrible events of her fall and redemption, Loklorien had questioned were even within her. It was why she had stayed away. It was why she had sent her children to stay in care of the Jedi while she took a different path. Zem Vymes' gratitude was not a casual platitude. He knew the difficulty in that first step. His clasped robe sleeves parted a hand exposed to the rain as he held it out to her.

"Welcome home."

Home meant many things to Loklorien. It was a place of belonging of body and soul, a place where one came from and where one was destined to be. She'd known many homes. Schwartzweld, the temple on Coruscant, the Layla, the Dauntless. Home could be those places and more. It was always where you belonged.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

She took his hand in a strong grip, her light smile turning a shade of sombre.

"I had to come," her voice seemed to cut through the rain between them with no effort at all, and as she held his hand, slender fingers holding tightly, the Lupine held his gaze for only a moment longer before sending here eyes downward.

"I... "

What was there to say? What was there to do? In the gravity of everything around them; the heavy weight and consequences of life's decisions, the complete absurdity of their immediate predicament pushed its' way to the forefront of everything else in her mind. She let out a light laugh, lifting her eyes back up to his and gave his hand a squeeze.

"We should go somewhere where it is dry."

[Zem Vymes]

"I have a tent not far from the tarmac."

He could feel the hesitant eyes on him even as he turned in that direction, and smiled from beneath the cowl.

"Don't worry, it's quite watertight, though that's not often a problem we have to deal with here on Ossus. Rainfall is a rare event here."

Unsaid was whether that was some symbol of renewal, a symbol of hope springing eternal. Even now, they were both so reserved. So polite with their feelings. Careful.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

"A tent?"

Again, she found herself unsurprised. That he had opted for such a dwelling rather than the more permanent structures was... well, it made sense in its' own way.

"I was told that other more permanent housing was available," said to fill what otherwise would've been silence.

He'd not pulled his hand away, and so the Lupine let him lead, feeling the warmth of his palm and unable to keep from saying so many silent blessings to the Bloodline that he had survived. Survived that terrible day.

Her thoughts returned to the here and now; to the blossoming presence of the Jedi and their new home.

"I've seen many of the progress reports. They make me hopeful... "

And at that, she couldn't help the instinctive tightening of her grip on his own hand.

"... and happy."

[Zem Vymes]

There were few gawkers on what passed as the settlements streets, as the rain was keeping most heads indoors. It felt strangely intimate to walk in relative privacy. How many walks like this had they taken before? More than a few, though those days involved looking over shoulders more often than not.

"Coming along quickly actually. There are dormitories, training centers, a medical facility. Hell, even a few restaurants and a cantina. Feels like a mining camp at times, but the rough and tumble is getting sanded down smooth."

Zem's robed shoulders shrugged.

"I like the tent. Figure at some point I'll have to give it up, but it feels like a place I can get away from it all, even if it's an illusion. Sometimes the illusion helps."

Getting away from it all. The Jedi Master thought better of glancing back to read her expression. Such a furtive motion was made conspicuous by a hood.

"We do fair to middling, I guess. Better than back then, you know. It's easier to teach things right, bring folks up the way they ought to be without the worry of where you'll run if you have to take to running."

Rounding a bend in the path, an opening between buildings revealed Zem's tent. It looked like something a commander in a military campaign might use. Certainly not the pack of hikers or weekenders. It's khaki contours spread over three sections, with enough foot space to nearly approximate a small apartment. A small motion of a hand and the heavy tent flaps parted with the aid of the force, opening the illuminated and dry interior for the two rain-soaked Jedi.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

While the rain had been a welcome thing, reminded her of life that was not confined to the climate controlled interior of a starship, she was never-the-less grateful for the inviting warmth that radiated from her old friend's temporary home. It was undoubtedly his aesthetic, and one that brought back old memories. She could've almost sworn that they'd been transported back in time, back to the world that they had spent a year living on, with nothing but each other. Their small hut, the daily lessons in Soresu and any other accidental tidbit that presented itself. And as she stepped inside, s'Il released his hand, lifting her arms up to run her fingers through rain soaked blonde locks, brushing each strand back and out of her face. She had a change of clothes aboard her shuttle, but for now she would do without.

"Alliance command is sending me out to the Imperial border," her eyes wandered only briefly before returning to him. "... it will only be for a month at most."

A smile.

"They have allowed me three days leave, though."

It did not need to be said, how she planned to spend those three days.

[Zem Vymes]

He'd known, hadn't he? She'd held back in reserve, but the reasons for that could be many. Still, hearing the bittersweet note of the homecoming took a bit of the wind from his sails. You don't have to go back, you know was what he wanted to say, but it was easy for him to say it. The world here looked very different from Lok s'Ilancy's point of view, no doubt.

Still, he did right by her with the time he had, taking her soaked outer coat and hanging it on a coat rack at the far edge of the common area. His robe soon joined it alongside as he removed the rain-sopped brown garment. A ritualistic stop at the nearby table to prime the kettle was next, and he gestured to a seat at the table.

"Sit."

Zem took the seat opposite, not quite ready to assail the gates of his longtime companion's reticence. She knew he'd try sooner or later anyway.

"Teagan and the boy will be glad to get those three days. I'll make sure you have whatever you need."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

"Thank you."

For a moment, she simply leaned back in her seat, hands palm down on the table between them. Her expression was a neutral one, yet at the same time it looked tired, hopeful, sorrowful, and excited. Such emotions jumbled together gave her features a strange appearance. This was the face that she had stared at in the mirror so many countless times since leaving Ossus. Since leaving her children. Since leaving Zem. And the look on his face only told her that he knew. Of course, he had always known, hadn't he?

Her eye went to the kettle. To the small flame below it, heating the water within.

The sight of such a simple thing triggered an almost immediate response in her, one that caused her shoulders to fall ever so slightly, and her posture to become less rigid. She pulled in a long breath, letting it back out slowly as her eyes closed and her head tilted back as if her body was shedding the hardships she'd endured over so many years. After a few minutes of quiet, the Lupine finally cracked her good eye, looked across the short distance to Zem even as her voice softly broke the silence.

"I came to see you as well, you know."

[Zem Vymes]

There wasn't any forgetting the turning of the tide, and everything that transpired in those terrible moments on Hoth. She'd stayed her hand. She'd come back.

It was why this was so damned frustrating. It was almost as if she didn't feel worthy of pushing the door open any wider.

"I'm grateful."

Careful words. Damned frustratingly careful. Zem's expression was nearly pained as he said them, then softened a bit.

"That's a piss poor understatement. You've got me at a loss for words and you always have. So what do I say now? Thank you? You deserve more than that. More than I've got to give, but also more than you're giving yourself."

The kettle began it's faint whistle, a needed interruption for Zem to regroup and figure out how to talk to the woman he needed most in his life, and the woman he wasn't really sure was coming or going. He stood, and tended to the tea. Tea, and not caf. Again her gravitational pull moved him from his orbit. He fussed with the alien beverage, daubing tea bags into cups of steaming water with a novice's expectation.

"So, three days then. Where do you want to begin?"

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

Letting her gaze fall on a point against the far wall of the tent, s'Il blinked. While there was so much still left unsaid between them, her thoughts revolved around Teagan and Markos, being drawn back to the thought of both her children with ease born of heartache and longing.

"My children," she started, her eye moving to track along the wall to where Zem stood with their drinks, "how are they?"

While Markos was still so young, Teagan was not, and the elder Lupine often worried for her daughter.

[Zem Vymes]

"Markos is a little angel. Biggest problem with him is sorting out all the fuss over who gets to watch him for a spell. Takes a village and all that. Teagan is..."

Zem thought over the best way to lead into that one.

"Well, she's been a sport about it all. But this is about as much change as anyone could have heaped on 'em, much less a youngster. I admit, I don't have much frame of reference. The old order, let's just say they did things a little different. You came into the fold at about the age she did, didn't you? What was that like?"

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

She thought on that, bringing one hand up to pinch at the side of her mouth.

"Younger, but only by a few years."

Tragic consequences had been the herald to her entry into the Order, and it was that memory which caused a grimace to cut across her features. It seemed her own child was to relive those very same sad circumstances. Was history truly so cruel?

A sigh, and the Lupine shifted her hand, sending it down the length of her face before settling once more on the table-top. She didn't have to look up to know his eyes were on her.

"It was... jarring."

An understatement, and she gave another frown.

"I did not have many friends."

[Zem Vymes]

Zem frowned at his work with the tea. Out of his element, he supposed it would have to do, and passed one cup to Lok's waiting hand as he took his own. He made the mistake of taking it as plain as his caf, sipped at it and made a grimace, but ultimately decided to soldier on with it rather than go looking for something to put in the steaming beverage to cut it's grassy bite.

"That part sounds familiar. Teagan gets along just fine with that Staedtler boy, but that's a whole other matter."

Again seated, Zem hunched over his tea, running a weathered finger along the cup's rim.

"I don't know. That girl's spent almost her entire life on the lam. From here to there and back again. There ain't been much in the way of friends in her life even when times were good. And on top of all these other changes, there's those small things like learning to be a Jedi and you being half a galaxy away."

Sitting up a bit, Zem looked her in the eye.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

The muscles of her jaw clenched at that, and the Lupine found herself unable to meet his gaze. Instead, she looked down at the contents of her cup, bringing it closer.

The look on her face did not so much darken as it did fall into a necessary look of concern. Concern at a situation which she herself found unavoidable. Perhaps it was simply perspective? There was still so much that she herself could never forget, and in turn never forgive herself for.

"When she was born, she never knew her father because I thought it best; because I wanted to protect her from a monster... "

She took a sip, letting the liquid move over her tongue before swallowing. Pursing her lips, she set the cup back down.

"Back then I thought that I knew who the monster was."

A frown as she closed her eyes, giving a slight shake of her head.

"At least now I know who it is. Visitation is more than I should be allowed, so do not think me ungrateful. But I am also painfully aware of what I once was."

s'Il leaned back then, lifting her eye up to the ceiling.

"I know that everyone here will never forget, and if they never forgive then I cannot blame them."

[Zem Vymes]

"To hell with them if they can't."

What did it matter? He'd heard all of the rationalization the first time she left, and hadn't warmed up any further to it.

"Look, I took it at face value that you needed some time away. Out on that ship of yours, patrolling battle lines of a war that's growing colder by the day. Fine. If it gets your mind right, fine."

Again Zem leaned in, pointing just over Lok's shoulder at the tent exit.

"But if the minds you're trying to get right are all out there, you think this hangdog soul searching's gonna do anything? You gotta figure out how to come in from the cold, Lok, and you gotta do it soon. For her. For me."

The hard edge to his expression softened into a more conciliatory look, and he reached across the table for her hand.

"There ain't a thing easy about finding your way back. Took me a long damn time to do it, and a lot of these folks haven't had to see just how hard that row is to hoe. But it can be done, because I did it and sure as hell every bit as stubborn as me. And showing folks that it ain't a burned bridge or a busted track, and that good people can find their way. They've got to see before they know how to forgive."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

There really was nothing that she could say in answer, and so she kept her eye skyward, processing his words and letting them sink in. Eyes finally closing, her head angled back down.

There was a strange irony to it all. Back in the day, he had been the one so eager to be a part of the Rebels. All those years ago, she had been against the notion. In a way their positions had reversed, and now she was the one that clung to the Rebellion - the Alliance. They were her lifeline; had given her a second chance that she wasn't so sure she deserved.

"I have my duties," it was a poor beginning, and s'Il snapped her mouth shut in the next instant, her brow furrowing in thought. His hand over hers was welcomed, and in return she brought her free hand from her cup, placing it over his as she too leaned forward.

A long inhalation of air, and an even longer exhale as she cleared her thoughts.

"I wish that it was so easy," she finally started again.

Now she did meet his eyes with her own broken gaze.

"Gods I wish it were so easy.

"For now all I can do is what I am told, and thank the Bloodline that I am able to see my own children still, rather than the inside walls of a detention cell. Demotion and a leash is so much more than what I deserved; we both know that."

[Zem Vymes]

"Everyone deserves a second chance."

It was all he had left to say. She'd already made up her mind. He wasn't going to convince her to forgive herself. Not yet. Whatever needed to happen first, it was up to the will of the force to sort it out. Zem squeezed her hand, looking for some way to salvage the moment.

"The tea alright?"